1. |
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[This song is about prayers to my mother and father. It's about unfocusing my consciousness for survival and begging for change. Regretting the negativity I've been taught and fed into, and learning to see the inside light of people who have hurt me, albeit unintentionally, through the struggles of their own. Inside this song, I see the intentions of my mother shine brightly past the guilt of her suffering. My father was a chronic alcoholic and drug abuser, and comes from a family of verbal and physical abuse. I beg for him to admit his struggles and turn his life around. The screaming section, "And I know you aren't worthless," is the answer to my prayers from them. It continues until my connection to the message runs thin, and suddenly I am jolted back to reality.]
mother will you forgive me?
i take back everything
i dont know who to trust anymore
and all those things you did for me
have come to mind in clarity
intention speaks more than guilt
and i know you arent worthless
and father will you please stay clean?
i dont want anything
it means so much more to me
it wont taste good until you quit
the time you have is ticking now
its all just avoidable regret
and i know you arent worthless
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2. |
your abuser
04:27
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[This song is about drowning in a endless ocean of gaslighting, and accepting it as life. It's about many different people who have hurt me in an effort to save themselves. During my childhood and teenage years, I was frequently told that my abuse was my fault. In the song, the person who hurts me is afraid to talk to my father, in fear that the aggression he has is similar to their own, or perhaps to their own father. Their dream to save me from abuse was naive, as they haven't yet healed themselves, and in the process create something they regret. They feel trapped in this way of living, and the echo of manipulative guilt stays with them. The last verse, "and that's okay, I'm not hurt at all. It's not right, but it's the better way out," shows the childish nature of it. Of course they are hurt, but they can't admit it, and in their blindness, see their projection of pain as a better way out.]
your father called me last night
i couldnt pick it up
im too scared of
what he has to say to me
i just wanted to give you
something i only dreamed of
its not okay
its the memory that lives on
but im never going to be the same
cause i still remember the way we talked
and you are never going to see me the same
cause "im so aggressive
i am your abuser"
and i just want to see you
being happy again
but i guess its
too much for me to be with you
and thats okay
im not hurt at all
its not right
but its the better way out
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3. |
angelica angelic
01:48
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[I didn't really believe in angels or heaven when I wrote this song. I was brought up in a slightly-Christian house, and the idea of an 'angel' was, to me, someone from heaven who would come into the lives of those who needed healing. My mom can recount a few times angels have guided her and saved her from danger. Angelica isn't a real person, but represents the qualities of someone that I thought could be 'angelic.' Whatever words this angel has for me, mean the world to me, and have kept me surviving. I feel her in every breath I take. One day I may realize what she's saying to me.]
angelica angelic
bless my messy soul
take me away
to where it matters most
angelica angelic
you mean the world to me
your scattered wings, your dirty hair
and every word youve ever said to me
angelica angelic
breathe with me
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4. |
the spirit of a moth
01:00
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[This is a realization that Angelica isn't truly 'angelic' in the sense that I believed. During the New Year, Angelica presents to me an immense hope; one week later, she tests my hope with a painful truth of awakening. In weakness I curse her off and refuse to accept her truths. A bottle of wine she wears around her neck is a symbol of maturity, responsibility, and transformation. The sight of this form of alcohol frightens me so badly, and like a confused moth flying into a flame, I swear off all embodiments of her. I refuse to look at her bottle, and thereby refuse to see my spirit fly into the flame.]
it was a week
into the new year
i became another soul
i felt the pain
it was awakening
i hated her i hated her
dont let me see it
the bottle around your neck
the sprit of a moth
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5. |
talent
03:19
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[This is about using our talents to exist through pain, and learning to understand the origins of pain. In this song I attempt to let some pains fade away, so I can appreciate the talent that everyone around me uses to fend off their own demons. Speaking with "teeth on skin" means that even though their words have hurt me, I see them bite down on themselves to try to prevent it. I believe that I "set destruction to everything I touch," because I see how tired they are by using their talents, and I feel personally responsible for the necessity of these talents. "I've touched you a million times" is for every interaction I've ever had with anyone. The smoke expels from their lungs and pollutes their words, and in a mixture of talent and agony, I'm unable to decipher their message to me.]
i feel your words on me at night
but i know that you speak with teeth on skin
and my life falls through the cracks of your hands
too often to know that you do care
in my eyes and in my brain i feel so much more
than the truth that i refuse
and i know
that it takes
talent to be you
but i am
hearing you
through the smoke in your lungs
i set destruction to everything i touch
and ive touched you millions of times
so i see the damage that i have done
red tendrils on your beautiful eyes
that you feel every time you wake up in the night
cold sweats from the love that we have spilled
(but flowers still sprout from your lips in to mine)
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6. |
ties
03:09
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[This song is about confronting myself with the realization that some people will only hurt me, I'm not strong enough to change everyone, and that cutting off ties is sometimes what I have to do. The scariest part to me, is convincing myself to remember the entire truth and not hide it in obscurity. Remembering that pure negativity must be avoided. I'm weak from the abuse, and the pain outweighs anything else. Overcoming the manipulation and realizing that I won't regret leaving it.]
im not afraid of you anymore
the scariest part of it is convincing myself that
i dont need to be so obscure
but its the only thing that makes me feel like im remotely safe
this fucked up reality that i cant face
its breaking me, and bleeding me out
i feel like my body was left on the
side of the road
im giving my life up
i dont need it anymore with you
its not worth the pain i feel
oooo
i know that ill be
better off with all the ties cut off
finally giving something
that i wont regret
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7. |
since youve been gone
04:18
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[This is a direct response from the last song, after attempting to cut off ties, this is what they say to me. They use extremely manipulative language to reel me back in, they bring up self-harm and addiction, and use pity to make me come back. It's really not something they want to remember, but the feeling of wanting it makes them continue. This feeling of needing control always returns back to them in their darkest times of self-harm. They tell themselves that it must always come back.]
since youve been gone its been so hard
ive been trying to keep clean
from the thought of your smile
and your pretty face thats burnt
into my mind and these fucking marks
they wont go away unless
i lie to myself and say
that you will still be there
waiting for me on the other side
but its not something
that i believe in but its a nice thought
every once in a while
cause its not a dream or something that
i ever want to remember again
but its a feeling that comes back to me
when im reopening my wounds
for the fourth time that week and its making me
so fucking sick this sinking feeling
that im giving something that everyone
resents
but it comes back to me
but it always comes back
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8. |
inside
02:46
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[This is a song about how a feeling of being trapped keeps me inside a cycle of abuse. "Alcoholic trips to the supermarket" refers to my alcoholic father. I keep dreams and desires second to everyone else, and I'm lost on how to heal. In the chorus, when I try to speak up about myself and what I need, it's immediately drowned out by others disregarding it and centering themselves. I see how they project all of their insecurities and anxieties on to me and make me feel like the monster that they are. I beg them to listen to me, but their focus on false truth ("dim lights") and mistrust ("door alarms") keeps them from hearing me.]
i feel trapped inside your body
and every moment ive spent inside
they burn like alcoholic trips to the supermarket
and i dont know if ill heal
i wanna feel okay again
content inside and liquified
dreams withheld and desires light the wick inside my head
it wont make sense
i try to open up
speak the words, ill feel better
anything to get this feeling away
it doesnt mean anything
speak the words, youll feel better
imagine that you made a difference
i know in your eyes im a monster
so tell the world how you feel
you treated me just the same, you have no right to complain
please talk to me
if you could only see inside me
youd know i only meant the best
solutions live inside dim lights and door alarms
i cant ever leave
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9. |
the deepest parts of me
04:28
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[This song is about letting out the deepest parts of me. Similar to the last song, it's about going back and forth between believing myself and speaking up, or letting them keep me under their control. The lyrics start to mix around and interweave into new thoughts. This was a quickie song and really it's rough to listen to.]
are we allowed to talk about it?
maybe one day ill blog about it
i think ive typed your name a thousand times
i feel your presence on me
while im calling her "so pretty"
greens a color thats suited you so long
i dont wanna go back
its something i cant face
you wont like me here
its a place ive forgotten
its a part inside my dreams
its something that makes me feel
unlike everything else except for you
ive made you the center of me
you fucked the deepest parts of me
but you dont give a damn anymore
are we allowed to talk about how
i still feel your presence on me
its a part inside my dreams
that ive made you the center of me
maybe one day ill blog about it
while im calling her "so pretty"
its something that makes me feel like
you fucked the deepest parts of me
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10. |
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[This is a spoken-word track that was also done in pretty much a single take. It's sort of myself talking to my inner conscience. Lot's of personal stuff inside, doesn't involve anyone but myself.]
"im okay im okay im okay"
take her word for it, im sure she means it.
i couldnt have hurt her that bad;
i dont believe it
but i need to
so i can move on.
"_______________"
thats what she says to me at 3:46 am on
wednesday august 31st, 2016
friday february 13th, 2015
wednesday december 26th, 2012.
injuries searing from the calendar
in ways i never thought imaginable.
"im okay im okay im okay"
she was serializations of
cowardly, domesticated,
completely realized
and fully unopposed
nightmares born reality;
she wasnt really strong enough.
"_______________"
and i knew as i heard the stories
from the people who replaced her memories
that the text i received from her that night
was proof in its purest form
that she was shit-faced, fucked up,
detrimental and destructive -
and going through hell.
and all i could do
was make everything worse.
and god
god did i make everything worse
with every invitation
open wound
comforting smile
i made it worse
and god
god do i wish i could stitch the time together
god do i wish i could feel her skin
i wish i could feel her pain
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11. |
cursed eyes
04:50
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i wanna fall asleep
with you at the wheel
i wanna make art with you
maroon lips
and old fashioned clothing
dont take me to museums
a sour taste
milk one month expired
it feels like an occupation
a posted message
for all of my friends
taken down two years ago
i grew up, i promise
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up,
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up
a taste of death from your faucet inside my kitchen
never telling me why you lashed out at me and left illinois
and drove out for hours and hours without ever telling anyone
where you were or who you were with or if you were even still breathing
and days and months and years passed and i still cant think of a good
single fuckin reason why; it doesnt make any sense to me
i grew up, i promise
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up,
i grew up, i grew up, i grew up
youre a tigger, cursed set of eyes
i dont need you staring at me
take a break, i grew up
but it seems like you made the right choice
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12. |
garage rock fuck up
02:39
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come home from work
take off your shoes
drink another beer
slam your head against the wall
take another hit
off of ignorance
drown reality
until you cant taste the air
it doesnt matter to me
youve hurt your daughter too much
crying all through the night
too resistant to love
it doesnt matter to him
youve hurt your son enough
teased him all through the years
treated like a fuck up
run away again
from everything
material value
is the center of desire
so kill the fuck out of us
it doesnt matter to you
not like it should anyway
its not like i ever had you
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13. |
abandonment issues
02:54
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i know im much more vulnerable
it doesnt take that much to break through my barriers
an unexpected blow
but it always feels so much heavier
i know im not staying after school
it takes someone thrown away to know how to hurt me
another instance of my own
in my dreams where i couldnt hurt myself as much
and why the hell should i message you?
ive only been your friend for ten fucking years
i couldnt give less of a shit
with mental illness and selfish reasons i cant bring myself to type
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14. |
take time
01:28
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the first time i smoked i called in sick to work
the second time i called my mom
the last time i smoked i missed my family
i dont keep anything in my house
take time
to feel it out
it makes more sense
sudden barking at six fifteen
another nightmare about me
put down the screen it makes me bleed
i wanna feel like i can breathe
take time
to feel it out
it makes more sense
next time i see you youll be mad
at yourself for letting me hurt you
and next time i smoke ill feel better
about letting my life end
take time
to think about her
youll feel worse
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15. |
drain
02:19
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i let the liquid drain from my face
i hope it will make it okay
i held my eyelids down
i turn the brightness down
i texted you at 2:30 AM
detoxed our brains and squeezed it out
god knows im trying to make it right
god knows there is no right
when did you notice the guilt was there?
or did you always talk to it
how much of it did you need
how much of you did i need?
did you feed off my pale heart
as i coughed it up that night
over the screen glow i knew too well
over the hell we believed in too well?
i wouldnt trust myself either
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16. |
needle
02:14
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leave her alone, shes not what you need
shes already crying, please let her be
dont take her hand, dont touch her face
undoing her bra, its already too late
now youre inside and youre energetic
youre causing friction and its euphoric
when you awoke you werent inside her
laying on the floor, gripping the needle
you cant bring yourself to look in her eyes
cant face the regrets and all the sorrow
unload the car, spread all the trash
her bodys in the trunk, never looking back
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17. |
down the neck
04:06
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get away from me
get away from me
i know that i need you
but i dont want to hurt you
do you remember the day you drove to my house
to get away from your mom
to get away from your mom
i was the second
person that day
to hold a knife to your neck
and you screamed,
"god, cut off my arms so i could never hold a knife to someones neck"
and i am not
giving myself any more responsibility
hhhh i am sorry
hhhh i am hurt
bleeding out your own blood in your own medicine cabinet
if you were to open your house to me again
what would it look like?
if i were you
i would have already rearranged the furniture
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18. |
a lullaby
02:08
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trajectory
overt complacency
overcoming my body
take me
into the forestry
away from reality
softly spoken
a word thats been misplaced
the blood seeping in my veins
its not fair
to label it
as anything else
hinges on the door
mean nothing
the knob replaced
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hollow hymns Illinois
old sounds from a younger LILITH
experimental lo-fi emo rock noise pop about queer identity, mental illness, cycles of abuse, and inner healing. harsh music through harsh times for brighter days.
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